Finding the right balance​, is a balancing act in itself

Its been nearly 3 weeks since my last blog and that’s ok, to be honest, I haven’t had the desire nor time to translate my daily journal into something to share, mainly out of feeling like I had nothing to say? It feels sometimes having a break isnt worth the emotional or practical hassle?

Being in a position where I am fortunate to be able to fund a two-week break away sounds idyllic doesn’t it? But the weeks in the run-up to going away was filled with lots of forward planning, additional stress trying to preempt any issues that might arise in my absence, ensuring that someone else could assist. Prepping for meetings that were scheduled in my diary the first week of my return all in an attempt to reduce any return to work anxieties. I do this so that I can enjoy my break, in the knowledge that whilst I am away everything will be ok.

The first week away always feels weird, I mean ya knackered before ya go away with all the preparation beforehand. So switching from being in a reactive state of mind to not having to think about the day to day stuff takes time. I took my notebook, Kindle, and music with me everywhere, I did loads of writing, reading and listening to music that soothes my soul. I ate out, caught up with the old man, drank nice wine. I do find that it takes me a good week to really start to relax, by the middle of the second week the thought of becoming a hobo, beach bum seems appealing, but then towards the end of the holiday, reality starts to kick in. And whilst I might romance the idea or contemplate the benefits of being a hobo, in reality, I know that I could never settle for that, I reason with myself that, it is what it is, times up, it back to reality. Back to work, back to doing what I love, getting paid to do what I love, which also pays for the breaks, I will return to work, refreshed, tanned energised and ready for anything…

Wrong…

I am not ready for hearing that a funding bid I applied for had been declined, I am not ready for all the 400+ emails that I need to wade through before I can even consider, thinking about the meeting later that day, I am not ready for the same bullshit, the same organizational narrative, same shit different day! I’m not ready for politics, I’m not ready for the self-imposed expectations, I’m just not ready, so much so I complained to my manager that people who have gone on annual leave, ought to be entitled to a phased return to work, (she laughed, but i wasn’t joking) baby steps, reduced hours to help you build your bullshit resilience back up again, to help ease you back into the work rat race! Its a reet culture shock I mean for two weeks I have been able to forget about mundane shit, be around myself without interruption from others, drink alcohol without worrying about how I might perform the following day, eat what i want, without worrying about the weight gain (after all im on holiday) or walk about the beach with all me wobbly bits hanging out, without worrying about what anyone thinks, because i dont know them and because i dont give a fuck so basically, pretend that for two weeks, life is perfect.

It is my second week back into work, back to reality and getting the balance is fucking hard three days in and I could have quite simply at 4 o’clock laid out on the office floor and slept, my energy levels felt sapped, I had little or no tolerance for being around people, I want to just go home and lock myself in my room for a while longer, I want to continue to eat whatever I want without giving a fuck about the consequences, I want to get back to who and where I was before I switched off and went away.

I do wonder though, if I will ever get that work life balance ever right?