On the inside I would be made up of colourful layers, laced with buttercream and covered in marzipan and a royal icing layer.
We aren’t born anxious, scared or consumed with self-doubt, this is learned behaviour, reactions to past traumatic events. The ingredients in my cake contain acts, and scenarios that have festered in my psyche and accumulated over time.
If life was a cake, I could divide my life into slices, some parts have been delicious and I have savoured them whereas others slices have made me sick and emotionally, mentally unwell.
My childhood, for instance, I mean I didn’t have a bad childhood; fuck me, I know people out there that have had far worst. But there were things in my childhood that happened, or that I witnessed that impacted how I coped and reacted in social situations. Sometimes my behaviour was out of control, family, friends, saw me as being unruly. I could be aggressive and used my fist and words to push people away. At times, my attitude stank, which was often put down to being a hormonal teenager or simply not caring. – which wasn’t the case, in fact far from it. At the time; I was quite simply unable to recognise how I was thinking or feeling, let alone process them. – I was confused as fuck
Unhappy, Unhealthy Relationship. –within months of leaving school, I fell into a relationship I wasn’t emotionally ready or prepared for, and I certainly wasn’t emotionally/mentally prepared for being a mother. I knew the difference between a healthy, loving relationship and an unhealthy one. I’d fallen into the trap thinking that I had been lucky, that I had found my healthy. But I was wrong, it was a one-way relationship, its foundations based on coercion and control and when the cracks started to show, it was too late, and I couldn’t find a way out. That is until I found drugs.
My recovery was mainly about discovering myself – It was time to get honest, but it wasn’t always easy. Trying to work through past events and emotions, sometimes felt like I was in the middle of one fucked up jigsaw puzzle. But I was lucky to have people around me help search for some of the missing pieces which helped me put myself back together again. I learned to tame the anger, understand the hurt and process it differently which gave me a whole new perspective, outlook on life, I talk about it here
Losing my father to addiction – I worked in the addiction field, which looking back made it more challenging at times, especially when I was surrounded by people who were doing well in their recovery. I often wondered what I must be doing wrong. I can still have flashbacks, which take me back to a time when I felt powerless. To a time where I naively thought that because I had found myself, I though i could help my Dad do the same. But alcohol won. It still hurts now to this day, when I hear about someone, I knew who died due to their addiction. Even worse, I feel for the families, the ones left behind. – This is where the passion to write a book about it comes from
Trauma doesn’t have to be physical; there are so many different trauma layers; sometimes, we don’t know how to recognise them.
Our past can still haunt us, but it doesn’t have to continue hurting us.
So try practicing some compassionate refection
By undertaking some compassionate reflection, I have come to understand and more importantly accept that more often than not, how I’m feeling or reacting, is just an enactment of something that happened in the past. Talking helps, finding your tribe, people who have been in similar situations. I am in a better place to understand that whilst the past can still haunt us, but it doesn’t have to continue hurting us. – my writing helps me with this.
Try not to spend too much time in the past. I know! I know, I have been harping on about the past, but seriously make some time for the future, for the unknown. Take all those lessons you have learned from your past to help you navigate yourself through your future. Learn a new subject, read a new book. Go walking, take new routes, venture places you would never consider before.
Spend more time in the present – Feast on the here and now and
try practising some mindfulness, or as I like to refer to it as #Haveawordwitheesen. What are you doing today? Write a list of all the things to do and DO em! When was the last time you did something YOU enjoyed? Feeling low, Bang on some music to lift you up.
Make some new friends.
We might be in the middle of a pandemic, but there is still the internet, there loads of amazing people out there who can help inspire you. There are now more than even online support groups and free training. Try sometime new, be open to meeting new people. You might never know how that one person could change your life’s direction. – Just stay away from the shitty news and social media
But most important of all – BE YOU
Remind yourself daily that there is nothing wrong with you and that you are still working/figuring yourself out, so give yourself a fucking break OR better still go bake a cake!
Thank you for taking the time to read.
Remember I don’t write for financial reward or gain, I just want to help share my lived experience with others in the hope that it helps. And I just love to write, so if ya fancy getting the occasional email with the most up to date blogs from yours truly, please feel free to subscribe at the bottom of the main page.
Much Love
Fordy x
