At the time of writing this, I don’t feel sad, I feel angry.
It’s always sad when you lose someone, it’s part of life, we all go at some point, but every now and then the loss can hit you hard and this loss is no exception.
Yesterday I was contacted out of the blue by an old mate. She’d called me at the request of another friend, who asked her to let me know that she was dying. After battling and beating cancer once, it’s returned with a vengeance and there is no turning back.
No second chances.
Over the years I have had the privilege to meet people who have overcome their addictive demons only to give back their lived experience to help others. The bond or connection with someone, even with a stranger someone suffering from addiction feels like an electric current, that runs through your soul. It’s hard to explain.
You just know.
The news was like an emotional punch to my stomach, I had no way of expressing how I felt, I just knew it didn’t feel nice. I felt trapped, so I turned to my therapeutic wand and wrote…
Don’t wait until it’s too late
What do you say, when someone has been told, that they are going to die any day
Someone I’ve always respected them from afar
A kindred spirit, who has overcome addictive demons and given so much back to the world
And much, much more
Another amazing human about to be taken far too soon
I wish I’d spent more time or made more of an effort but it’s too late
If I could change the news I would but I can’t, my heart aches and I cannot shake the pain
Then I think of their family, to me she is a friend, but to them she is a partner, daughter, sister, a mother, a grandmother all rolled into one.
Just the thought of them taking it in turns to say their last goodbyes, churns my insides
Their sense of loss and grief dwarf’s mine
I’m an activist, a pragmatist I get shit done!
But I can’t fix this
I wish I could say things will get better but that would be a lie
Because they wont
I’m angry at the world, I don’t care about the possibility of being cold this winter because my friend is about to take their last breath
I couldn’t give a flying fuck about who’s in power
Because my friend is dying
I feel powerless
How do you make someone last days count?
I want to distract them from their dark thoughts, for the inevitable, the uncertainty of not knowing, when or how, the fear of the unknown
What do you say
I feel guilty for being healthy and wonder “what would I do in their shoes?”
But the fact is that I’m not
What do you say…
I’m scared of saying the wrong thing! I don’t want to complain, after all my problems are nothing comparison to theirs
I try to pretend everything is ok
But its not!
I don’t want to share good news, because it would feel like rubbing salt into open wounds
Again, what do you say…
I want them to know before they take their last breath, that they’ll be missed, that they made a difference to so many lives whilst they were here!
I want to thank them for making an imprint on my heart and that they will never be forgotten, but it’s hard,
It sounds too final
Another harsh reminder that life is fucking precious
So, make every encounter count
If you are proud of someone
TELL THEM
If you love someone
TELL THEM at every opportunity
Because you none of us ever know
It might be the last chance you will get to let them know
That their life wasn’t in vain and that they are an integral stitch in your life’s tapestry
Remember
I don’t write for financial reward or gain. I just want to help share my lived experience with others hoping that it helps. And I just love to write, so if ya fancy getting the occasional email (NO SPAM) with the most up to date blogs from yours truly, please feel free to subscribe at the bottom of the main page.
