Yesterday stole enough from me, but today is mine.

Procrastination has held me back more times than I care to admit. Not because I didn’t care, and not because I wasn’t capable, but because somewhere along the way I learned to break the promises I made to myself long before I ever broke a promise to anyone else.

For years, I blamed everything outside of me, like bad timing, chaos, other people, life being life. But when I strip it back, the truth is uncomfortable: most of the time, the thing that got in my way was me.

My own hesitation.

My own fear.

My own habit of waiting for something to arrive and save me from having to start.

I put my life on pause waiting for the cavalry to arrive.

Waiting for courage.

Waiting for motivation.

Waiting for the right moment.

Waiting for the right sign.

But what if the cavalry never comes?

I lived that cycle for years. I procrastinated on things that mattered deeply, things that could have changed my life sooner if I’d only started, or taken a risk, like…

Turning my back on drugs. Not because they weren’t destroying me, but because they gave me a twisted sense of identity. People knew my name. I had a role, a reputation, a place in a world that felt powerful. Walking away meant facing the truth: the “status” was hollow, and the life was killing me. I waited for the perfect moment to quit, only there wasn’t one.

Leaving my ex. Not because I didn’t know he was harming me, but because I believed I was nothing without him. I waited for courage, for a sign, for someone to tell me it was time. Courage didn’t come, until I took the first step myself.

Writing my first memoir. I carried that story for years. I could have published it sooner, but I didn’t. Not because of anyone else. Because of me, because of my own fear and my insecurities.

Years ago, while trying to finish my degree, I came across a quote by Edward Young: “Procrastination is the thief of time.” I loved it so much I had it tattooed on my foot. A permanent reminder. And yet after having it tattooed on my foot, didn’t stop me from slipping into old patterns, in fact over the years and because I am not getting any younger, the writing has blurred so much you cant even read the fucker!

But procrastination doesn’t just show up when BIG event/moments in my life [like highlighted above] it shows up in the small, everyday moments too.

Like with work for example, as task sits in front of me, the deadline creeps closer, the pressure tightens around my chest and that’s when the signs appear. Like starting easier tasks that feel productive but are really avoidance dressed up as efficiency.

• Or endless scrolling, pretending I’m “just checking something.”
• Or wait for the ‘perfect moment’ the quiet house, the right mood, the clean desk.
• Or feeling the fear in my chest, the heaviness, the whisper of “I’ll do it later.”
• Or doing things for other people instead, convincing myself their needs matter more than my promises to myself.

The worst one is, overthinking the outcome and imagining failure before I’ve even begun. Now a days, instead of beating myself up for being a failure I have come to realise this isn’t a me problem, per say, this is a result of a lifetime of social conditioning and Procrastination isn’t laziness, but just fear dressed up as delay. It’s self‑protection that becomes self‑sabotage.

Only now I can spot it sooner. Not three days later. Not when the panic hits. But right at the moment I feel myself reaching for distraction, scrolling, tidying, making tea, doing anything except the thing I said I’d do.

That’s when I ask myself:

What am I avoiding right now? What’s happening for me?

Sometimes the answer is fear of failure. Sometimes fear of success. Sometimes it’s just the discomfort of starting. Sometimes I’m simply knackered and need rest, But naming it, calling it out helps takes the power out of it and hand the power back into my hands

I’ve also learned the difference between motivation and discipline.

Motivation is a feeling, its unreliable, inconsistent, fleeting, whereas Discipline is a decision, a muscle that grows the more you use it.

Discipline doesn’t care how you feel. Discipline says: “Fuck it. Do it anyway.”

So nowadays, instead of waiting for motivation, I have started to rely on small acts of discipline. Five minutes. Ten minutes. One tiny step. Enough to break the seal. Enough to prove to myself that I can be whoever I want, if I allow myself.

Don’t get me wrong procrastination still whispers sometimes. It still tries to convince me that tomorrow is safer than today. But now I know better. I know the only way to build trust with myself is to keep the promises I make to myself, even the small, tiny ones.

So, my reflective question for you today is

When you catch yourself delaying something that matters, what’s the real thing you’re reaching for, is it comfort, distraction, permission, or protection and what does that tell you about where procrastination shows up in your life?

 

Love Fordy

 

#unapologeticwriter

#haveawordwithyourself

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