I was sent a question by my tutor from a recent course I attended, she asked the question “What is it that we want?”. I have learned that what I wanted for myself years ago isn’t what I want for myself now! People say “Christ it wasn’t like that when I was a kid?” that because life, society is constantly changing (whether you like it or not!) the key is how you respond to it, adapt to it, without loosing yourself.
If you would have asked me years ago, my response might have been “I want to be accepted” or “I want to be understood” For years I was a walking ball of confusion, always worried I might offend, or say the wrong thing, always feeling on the edge, I carried an anxiety around with me that someday someone will find out that I am a fraud!
So what do I want? “I want to be happy being me” but in the pursuit of being happy, feeling comfortable in my own skin hasn’t been easy, in fact, some of it has been painful and uncomfortable.
I started this journey many years ago in my early recovery, it was like someone had taken the blindfold off and I could see life for what it was more clearly. that was because I was forced to take a step back and reflect, being sectioned kinda does that for ya. But it is so easy to slip, for forget who you are in this crazy mad life and it is, let us not fool ourselves and I have slipped, relapsed many a time, not on drugs, but I have allowed myself to succumb to what society tells us is normal!
I want to be able to let go of all the materialism and social pressures “to be perfect” Now don’t get me wrong I love a good pair of shoes, I like to look my best, but I want to dictate my own style but I want a say in that and I want to feel comfortable with my decisions and choices.
Being true to you takes time, it takes patience, it takes a lot of reflection, self-honesty, but above all, it is also about taking responsibility, learning not to blame others or something for how you are feeling, learning to let go of things I cannot change and learning to focus on the things I can. It’s not been easy, it isn’t easy and it never will be, but what I have learned most of all is that its all been fucking worth it. I will never be perfect, but I am ok with that! I will sometimes make mistakes, but I can deal with that!
So my question to you is “What do you want?” you can decline to answer, but if you don’t ask yourself, how will you ever know?
What if you realised you were perfect all along?
Seeking approval
The desire to fit in
Chasing perfection
In a world full of rejection
Perfecting the external
Perfect skin
Inflated lips
Enormous tits
A nation of Barbies and Ken’s
Is that what we have become?
In our pursuit of perfection
In a world full of rejection?
But the perfection you are seeking
Already exists
It’s not out there
In a society that doesn’t care
Take ya head out of ya arse
Have a word wi thee sen
Tha get’s one shot at life
The perfection you are seeking
Cannot be found under a surgeons knife
Embrace all the wrinkles
love all your scars
live with your reality
Stop hiding in a mirage
You can try to ignore
But you cannot hide
From those feelings and thoughts inside
Hidden from the naked eye
Take a look inside
You might be surprised to see
The person that you wanted to be
Was already there
Blinded by societies bullshit
The lies that are sold
"You are ok" you always have been
Stop waiting to be told
How to think
How to feel
These all belong to you
They are not anyones to steal
Take one day at a time
learn to switch off, unwind
Let go of the past
Yesterday has gone
Tomorrow is never promised
Its time to think for yourself
Make time for you
You are amazing
You just never knew
#Haveawordwitheesen 2019
