Recovering from a Vulnerability Hangover

 

The Vulnerability Hangover

“The challenge with personal development is that once you start to explore and uncover new aspects of yourself, there’s no turning back, and it can be so fucking annoying”  – Tracey Ford

The night out had been planned for ages; I was meeting a couple of friends who, like me, had managed to carve out some time in our busy diaries for a much-needed catch-up. I had already been tempted to cancel as I felt physically and emotionally exhausted from my work week. Still, time being a precious commodity, I wasn’t sure when we’d get the chance to meet again, So I went, under my own proviso that it wouldn’t be a late one.

As soon as I saw the smiles on their faces, I was glad I’d decided to come.  Their laid-back banter was just what the doctor had ordered; there is something special about being around like-minded people who are on the same page as you. However, as the night progressed and the banter waned, I decided to open up and confess how I had signed up for some therapy. The looks of confusion greeted me, and I instantly regretted opening my gob.

However, being good mates, they probed for more information to help them better understand. The only problem was I wasn’t sure myself, hence why I was going to try some trauma therapy; in this case, it was holistic. I tried to explain as best I could how writing has unlocked doors inside me that I never knew existed, I have talked about this previously but there was still one door that had been eluding and how it hadn’t been until recently that someone I respect dearly said to me

’ You know what, Trace? You do all this amazing stuff for other people, and you make a difference, but my wish for you would love yourself more,’

His words hit a nerve within me because I knew deep down that there was some truth in what he had said. And how I’d been struggling to ignore it ever since.

My friends listened quietly and asked some more questions, trying to understand, but I sensed from the questions that they were a little sceptical, which made me start to question myself.  I suddenly felt exposed, like a raw nerve laid bare. I have shared parts about myself previously with this group of friends, but nothing this deep.  An overwhelming feeling of vulnerability hit me with a force I hadn’t anticipated.

• Had I shared too much?
• Did they think I was barking mad?
• Would they see me differently?

Instead of feeling lighter and understood, I felt misunderstood and vulnerable. I had a sudden urge to leave, and after a couple of warm, reassuring hugs and promises to arrange something again soon, I was out of the door carrying a fireball of anxiety with me, and I felt sick to my stomach.

I felt confused, and my immediate response was to blame them. I drove home determined that I would never share anything as personal with them again. But then part of me genuinely believed they would have been mortified that I had left them feeling this way.

After a night of tossing and turning, replaying the conversation and second-guessing myself, every word I had spoken felt magnified. I woke up exhausted, and that’s when the vulnerability hangover set in. But unlike with an alcohol hangover, I knew it was going to take a little more than a greasy breakfast and a couple of paracetamols to recover.

I was due to go to the gym, but I had an overwhelming urge to retreat and hide from the world. But I knew hiding wouldn’t solve anything, so I set about managing the emotional aftermath with some exercise then some reflective writing. After pumping my veins full of serotonin at the gym, I headed home to do some journalling, which always helps me to process my thoughts.

Why had I reacted in that way?

At first, it was hard to let the words flow without judgment. But then it came to me that I had my own concerns.  Apart from a couple of counselling sessions over the past 30 years, holistic therapy was something I’d never considered before.

Then I realised that this was a BIG deal for me, I was scared that maybe there are some doors inside of me that are closed for a reason. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to lift the lid on some emotions that I had blocked out or avoided, scared that I might never be able to shut it again once opened.

The fear was real; I had grown so much over the years that I was scared I might jeopardise or somehow lose a part of my sense of self-identity that I had worked so hard on.

The good news is that after my emotional wobble, I bit the bullet and met with the therapist

Who helped me locate a key to unlock the door that had been eluding me for years. I am not going to go into details, but I suspect that some of you might be feeling curious so I thought I would give you a link to an amazing that will hopefully provide a little insight. It’s by a guy, whose work I have been learning, called Dr Joe Dispenza, who helpfully describes in this video how we can unpack feeling lost

So why am I sharing this with you?

Well, something has shifted in me, and I wanted to share it with you, in case you ever find yourself in a similar position. I want to offer some hope and reassurance that it’s okay not to feel okay and not to be scared of your emotions.

I’ve realized that I had been too quick to blame other people for how I felt, when I was the only person responsible for my feelings and how I responded to them.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years, it’s that once you embark on a journey of personal development and start to explore and uncover new aspects of yourself, there’s no turning back. It can be incredibly annoying and challenging, as it was in my case.

It’s also no coincidence that I’m nearly at the end of completing my memoir, which has proved to be a lot harder than I expected. Because I haven’t just been writing my story; I’ve been emotionally processing my journey of traumatic growth, which of course is going to resurrect emotions and old limiting beliefs from the past.

And whilst I firmly believe that we should all be our authentic selves and never shy away from being vulnerable, I do believe that sometimes we need to recognise and accept that we might need a little more support—and that’s okay.

I’m going to finish on this quote is one of the five truths about fear, taken from one of the first personal development books I read, called Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers. She says

“Pushing through fear is less frightening than living with the underlying fear that comes from a feeling of helplessness.”

And she is so fucking right… and I can say, hand on my heart, the vulnerability hangover was worth it. Hopefully, I won’t suffer from another vulnerability hangover after pressing send on this lol

Love Fordy

AKA #Unapologeticwriter