“what the fuck is she on about today?” Trust me I probably don’t know me fucking sen!

I started reading a book yesterday “Your Story how to write it and make it happen” by Joanne Fedler and its “fucking amazing”. Honestly, after the first two pages of reading, I felt like she was actually talking to me! 

Even though the book is aimed at people wanting to ‘write’ like me, she strips away all the stigma, barriers, self doubt and ‘Bullshit’ that “we” place on ourselves, not just about writing but life in general and I can totally relate to that.

This blogging and writing malarkey is sort of me own therapy, a way for me to start “questioning” me sen! learning to “understand” me sen again.

So if you are wondering sometimes “what the fuck is she on about today?” Trust me I probably don’t know me fucking sen!

Any way this Joanne, conducted a survey asking writers “what stops you from writing?” And many of the answers are the ‘FUCKING exact same as mine. Some of the reasons I already knew deep down, but others – well I am working on this and learning to ‘Stop being so fucking hard on me sen” its no wonder its taken so fucking long to make ‘proper’ start, even though the desire to write has ALWAY’s been there in me. So heres what people said;

  • Fear of not being good enough – tick – always felt like this 
  • Do I have anything of value to say? – tick – well I’m a gobby shit and  I think I have plenty of things to say of value, but value to me, not ‘everyone’ see’s my point of view!
  • Fear that I am not a great writer tick – for all you grammar police out there fuck off “I’m still learning!”
  • I am worried that people will think the book is shittick well she doesn’t say ‘Shit’ , she says ‘Dreadful’ but ‘hey I am trying to develop my voice AND I tend to swear alot! 
  • Fear of not being good enough fucking “BIG” tick
  • Anxiety about the relevance and quality of the writing – tick

She then goes on to talk about  reasons people don’t make a start because:

  • There are so many books out there, wonder if its worth it- tick
  • I’m not “real” writer – tick – I’m starting to learn that there isn’t an actual degree that qualifies you as a “writer” if you can write, your a writer!
  • I don’t know how to make the writing make “fucking” senseagain she doesn’t actually say that she says “clever” and “fancy” and their aint nowt fancy about me 
  • Your not sure if you have enough motivation to finish writing – tick – I actually laughed out loud at this, as I have been trying to write this “fucking” book for the past “8 years” and still not got past chapter 4, for fucks sake ! 
  • You wonder what people will think and say about you – tick – believe it or not, this has bothered me and still does, well I say ‘still does’  but in all honestly this is one of the main things I am working on, on a daily basis  and guess what? I reckon I’ll still be fucking doing it on me death bed. 
  • Its not all happy stuff – maybe you should wait for your parents to die first – tick – well dads dead already, so he cant say “fuck all”, although I have thought about dads family, in fact I told my Uncle Mick about it and he just said, “look kid, you write want you want you, this is about you and not thee father” so that just leaves mom, but she knows I am writing about dad, which of course will include her at some point. But if I am totally honest, (and this is what I need to practice) I think the one person I am  most worried about most is my step dad? After all if anyone deserved a book being dedicated or about them, it should be him! I know it hurt him and he found it hard to understand how, after how dad treated us as kids and adults, why we put up with the shit and still cared for dad, during his last years on earth. And I totally get that! And if I am truly honest with myself, I think thats partly the reason I have had this burning desire to write this ‘fucking book’ for the past few years. To try make sense of it all?, because even though dad might not have been present as a “dad” he still had a massive impact on me growing up and trust me when I say, when I talk about impact I ain’t referring to positive impact

So its 7.57am, its a Saturday morning and I have been up since 6am. Our old man wa like “she’s here… weirdo, tapping away” – “you going for a run this morning?” my reply was “nope im going to read and write then get house work done” because “I can.”

SO folks, sorry for the early morning email, hope your emails don’t have automatic pings and wakes you up at this godly hour.

In fact I’m not sorry really, I feel great, I have turned up, tuned in and apart from feeling little tired still,  this book aint going to write its sen is it?

So I am off to work on chapter 2, what ever you are thinking of doing today – DO IT, don’t think about it, just FUCKING do it, there is only YOU stopping ya sen

Ps Mick the pics are called memes and you can create owt ya want for FREE

Fordy x

2 thoughts on ““what the fuck is she on about today?” Trust me I probably don’t know me fucking sen!

  1. I get the self doubt and definitely the not good enough,but a bit surprised you feel this after all the brilliant things you have achieved in your personal and professional development .
    Maybe you should make a list of all of those things to realise just how capable you are.
    Living with disfunction has lasting effects that are hard to eradicate ,it takes A lot of soul searching and painful recollections but you my friend are worthy and more than capable of producing this book and it will be great.

    1. Thank you for your feedback Pat, See just goes to show, appearances can and ARE very deceiving, but I am sooo glad I got me arse us out of bed this morning, in fact I’m still sat nickerless at me desk, four hours later lol. sorry you didnt need to know this, hahahahahaha

      Anyway, three chapters in, with some contributions from me Irish cuz, the books coming on ok, RIGHT I need to get this fucking house cleaned, its LOPPY have a great weekend xxxx

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