What will your regrets be?

Ola 

Not been writing, – (well i have been journaling, but you dont wanna see any of that, i’d be getting sectioned again). But because i have felt so shit the past few days, I have given me head a few days off and given your lot a break too…

To be fair i think the only time I allow mesen to be a 1000% victim is when i’m ill, poorly or feeling crap. I’ve gorged mesen on eating shit, even though i felt sick as a dog – I can even feel me stomach expanding as i eat, “But do i give a fuck at the time,?” Nah… do i fuck….

I get frustrated, because, i’m not doing anything productive! my body is saying “rest” but me mind is saying “NO”.

I’d had plans for this whole week and weekend. I had meetings i was looking forward to at work, handing holiday spice out and catching up with work mates. This weekend i had plans of babysitting, writing, cleaning the house, cleaning me sen and chilling. ALL of that ruined all because of a fuckign stupid virus!

BUT – GOOD NEWS IS I AM TURNING A CORNER, Today, is day 5 and is the first day i have started to feel a little human again, although, I’m not 100% i can see the wood from the tree’s, NOW i am regretting eating ALL the SHIT, but i reckon once i’m feeling proper over it, i can get back into me old routine and stop being a “Mardy Bastard VICTIM” and get back on track #shithappens after all…

I read an article in the Gardian online named “The top five regrets of the dying” Now you could say “this is Morbid?” OR you could say “this is a wake up call?”  personally i think the latter, i mean lets face it, we are going to die at some point! and I for one,”do not” want to be where ever i am thinking “Fuck, I wish i’d done …”

I read an article in the Gardian online named “The top five regrets of the dying” Now you could say “this is Morbid?” OR you could say “this is a wake up call?”  personally i think the latter, i mean lets face it, we are going to die at some point! and I for one,”do not” want to be where ever i am thinking “Fuck, I wish i’d done …”

Here are the top five regrets;

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me – Honestly i did this for many, many years (and still do at times) but i am aware of it. But truth be-told, trying to be who everyone expects you to be is fucking hard graft AND emotionally draining. You might have got into the habit of pleasing others, but that doesn’t mean to have to continue doing so?  Ask yourself “what have you done for yourself lately? what have you been wanting to do and haven’t done?” This might be a something simple of having a long soak in the bath, or booking onto that hairdressing course you have always wanted to do “SARAH”
2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard – This is a tough one for me, i often get the passion for the people i work with confused with the need to make as much as a difference as i can. I hate injustice, particularly around people who are misjudged, as i belief everyone fucks up sometimes in life, their ain’t no instruction book for life, but they can move past it and move on AND others should let them. I know from a personal point of view (more recently) i am starting to remind myself that “I can only do so much” – Writing this book is hard graft, but its really personal to me and i know it is something “I” will be very proud of.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings. This is a BIGGY for me, because most of my unhappiness to date in my life, has been about not expressing my feelings, who I am, what I want out of life, ‘putting others feelings before my own’  Yes, this can make you feel good short term, but in the longer term, it don’t make you feel a happier person. Yes i want to be there for others, because this make me ‘Feel’ good, but ultimately you can not measure your own happiness based on other peoples feelings. Their feelings and happiness are ‘theirs alone’ and so are mine, i am the only person, who can make me ‘truly happy’ people around me do make me happy, but i don’t rely on them neither, now that would be too much pressure. 
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. – This is an easy on for me, friendship is very important, the article talks about not give friendships the time an effort they deserve, Personally i don’t believe friendships need to be hard work, true friendships come from being able to have an honest and open relationship, for all my most cherished friendships, i know that i don’t have to actually work that hard, because we don’t measure our friendship based on “how often we see each other” OR “how often we talk”. Because life “does” and “can”  get in the way, for both parties. But i know for sure, if i ever needed anyone of them, they would be there at my death bed.
5. I wish i had let myself be happier – personally i do think this comes with age and life experience, but thats NO EXCUSE NEITHER “putting yourself first” doing what makes YOU happy, no one else! YOU… If you are not happy, then do something about it, don’t get me wrong #shithappens BUT we all have a choice in life how we are going to allow shit to define our lives. I could could spend my whole life blaming others OR circumstances for my unhappiness (and for a while i did) but ultimately once we stop blaming others, start taking some responsibly for myself and taking back some control, i have been the happiest i have in years. 

I have another one to add to the list though, in this place we call life, we literally get one shot at it, one of the my main motivators in life is to make the fucking best of the rest i have got left. I don’t want to be no victim on me death bed, Nah fuck that, I don’t want to be regretting nothing, i want to be known as someone who

• I lived life to the fullest
• Wasn’t afraid to speak out (well truth be known there are loads of times, but at least i tried to overcome the fear)
• Was never afraid to share how i was feeling (this is a tough one too)
• Did what “I wanted to do” and not what others expected of me (even if it upsets them)
• Took risk’s knowing that they might not have worked out (thats life, it don’t always turn out like we want)
• Acknowledges that #shithappened i dealt with it the best way i could at that time, with the knowledge and resources i had at that time.

Reet on that note, the housework is done, i have been asked if i would like to go shopping, but do you know what? i would like to, but i’d much prefer to do some more work on ‘this bastard book”

What ever you are doing, have a GREAT day and MAKE THE MOST of it

Love Fordy x