The pursuit of happiness isn’t about perfection, its about understanding, accepting our imperfections and managing them to the best of our ability and that’s all we can do

For years I put the needs another man’s before my own. I lived in a deluded world where I thought that if I could make him happy, fix all their problems that I would be ok! Say what he wanted to hear, opposed to what I wanted to say, do what he wanted to do opposed to doing what I wanted soon became second nature and in the process I had learned to believe that thinking about my needs was selfish.

I’d changed, I doubted myself, been rewired, constantly doubting myself, allowing others to using guilt as a weapon to get their own way.

I had become an expert at using others as a distraction an excuse from asking myself “what do I want?” I had become afraid I who I was? But when in reality I didn’t have xxcking Scooby doo! Who I was? let alone what I wanted! So where the fuck do you start?

Being in that place was scary, appearing to be functioning on the outside, the “perfect life” but on the inside, I was a hollow shell, I had lost my identity. I had given it away without realising the long term damage that it would cause me. I have had to learn some hard life lessons, some things about myself I didn’t like, often very painful ones I am working on undoing all the learned thinking, and learning new ways of functioning as a whole being, not just a shell or a preprogrammed robot!

I now live with the constant battle of reminding myself that I’m ok, constantly reassuring myself that I matter, constantly reassuring myself that the actions I make will and are the right ones for me at that time, constantly reassuring myself that its ok to make mistakes, that’s not to say It’s easy, in fact far from it? but I reason that life was never easy before was it? But the doubt’s never really go away.

I now reason that the older version of me was learned thinking, so now I am working on undoing the learning and found that I started to learn things about myself that I never knew even existed? 

I am still the same person, but I am braver than i once thought, I trust my instincts more, and the more I learn about me, the more I realise that the pursuit of happiness isn’t about perfection, its about understanding, accepting our imperfections and managing them to the best of our ability and that’s all we can do. 

I am fortunate, I am no longer in a manipulative relationship in fact I haven’t been for many years, but the scars are still there, they act as a reminder, a reminder to make sure I don’t lose myself again and not to make the same mistakes.

Meeting the man of your dream’s

The ying to my yang 

This was all meant to be 

But it was just me

Making everything all right

Just to prevent a fight

Always wrong

Never right

Chipping away, at my soul

Not sure which way to go

Losing myself 

Chasing the needs of someone else 

Nothing in return

Just a one way street

Feeling weak and defeated 

I’m sick of being mistreated

Something has to change 

I don’t know where to start

This is the frightening part

I cannot continue, its breaking my heart

What if he was right?

What if I’m wrong?

Nah fuck that shit!

I need to stay strong 

I know I my heart

I made some crap choices 

Which cannot be undone

I need to accept them

I need to move on 

To find a new version

A new version of me

That person I once was 

The person I am meant to be 

You weren’t good for me

Now I finally can see

We were never meant to be

A light has been switched on

Time to look after number one 

My heart maybe weak

But my resolve is strong

No longer under your control

I’m done, I’ve let go

Its time to move on

I surround myself with people

The ones who really care

The ones who listen 

The ones who don’t scare

You have lost your control

I’m learning to trust in myself 

To know my own mind 

Starting to be kind

Your spell has been broken 

Give it your best shot

You pushed me to the brink

But I am stronger than you think

Its taken a while

But I can look back smile

No longer under your spell

Its time to get well

Enjoy your life

You are on your own