I used to be afraid of setting boundaries, mainly out of fear, but mostly because I was out of practice, or did I ever practice even? I was fearful of hurting, upsetting, disappointing, worried I would come across as being selfish, you name it the list goes on and on.
I did have boundaries but they were in my head or heart, invisible to others because I didn’t let people know what they were. I found myself doing things I don’t want to do, or not saying what I wanted to say. Then I would get resentful and angry at the other person when in all fairness it was my fault, I was allowing myself to be used and hurt, eventually keeping everyone out.
I was essentially just people-pleasing consistently putting other people’s needs before my own, which only contributed to damaging my self-esteem and recovery in the longer run.
I am fortunate that boundaries are not required in a lot of my relationships nowadays, I am respected and my needs are met, the word boundaries goes unspoken, I don’t need to explain my expectations or ask to asked how I want to be treated. But I have still have relationships where my boundaries are currently to the limit
For me, there are four key boundaries, that I keep in check
Time – Making time for me and having it
People – I am clear about the kinda people I want in my life and the ones I don’t
Emotional – having strategies in place that protect my feelings
Drama – I decided what drama I will engage in and what I won’t
I know life would be so much easier if people could assume and know what our boundaries were, but people are not mind readers, I know It feels shit and that some boundaries are harder to implement and stick to more than others, but if you are searching for some peace and want to nourish your self-esteem, YOUR recovery you will have to.
So how do you identify your boundaries?
I always advise someone who needs to establish some boundaries, to first negotiate with themselves, asking 5 simple questions,
- What do I want?
- What I can do
- What I can’t I do
- What I will do
- What I won’t do
Answer these questions and will have a clearer idea of what boundaries you will need to set if you are clear about the above answers.
The next step is communicating it – now this can be the hard part, but you need to remember that our lives are a series of negotiations and we were given a voice for a reason, but to enforce our boundaries we have to voice them.
The truth is that some people won’t like your boundaries (especially if you’ve let them walk all over you in the past). However, many people in your life will adjust to your new boundaries. Some may initially be confused by your new-found assertiveness. Or they may not take it seriously and assume you’ll back down and go back to your old ways if they resit. Remember this understandable, especially if you haven’t enforced your boundaries in the past.
Some times I can feel like things get worse before they get better. But most people will adjust to your boundaries and learn to respect them. Some, of course, will continue to resist. It is at this point you have to decide whether or not you will continue to have that person in your life and say GOODBYE
On a final note
The boundaries you need to set are unique to you, sadly there are no rule books, so you will need to identify your specific boundaries, (talk to a trusted friend) practice asserting yourself, learn to continuously refine and update your boundaries as your needs and relationships change.
Try not to be afraid of who you truly are and remember, if you would like to subscribe to more posts, please go to https://www.shithappens.me.uk/contact/ and sign up, If you liked the post please share, if you don’t then do nothing and that’s ok too.
Bob on baba