Dear Dad

Your addiction came out of the blue
I never saw it coming
There were times I felt like running
But I couldn’t and I didn’t

To stay or to walk away
My decision varied every day
One day I’d be standing my ground
And the next my resolve could not be found

Even the days when you were obvious to my pain
When you chose to pick up again
All the times you were oblivious to my cries
As you wasted away before my eyes

The level of stigma at times was like an enigma
The blame the shame nearly drove me insane
People just couldn’t see past your addiction
Or understand it was an affliction

They didn’t understand that your drinking wasn’t out of choice
And that the alcohol had stolen your voice
There was a lot of well-meaning advice
Which wasn’t always helpful and sometimes wasn’t nice

I had so many questions
And was open to suggestions
I felt powerless and lost
I needed support at any cost

At first, I was scared that no one would care
But soon became acutely aware
That these people really understood
And that they weren’t there to judge

Listening to their highs and their lows
Finally gave me the courage to disclose
So, I shared some of my deepest fears
Many that had been bottled up for years

My words which once seamed absurd
We’re being listened to and more importantly heard
There were knowing nods and even some tears
Which helped elevate my initial fears

The relief of knowing that I wasn’t alone
And didn’t have to go through this on my own
Gave me hope
As I found new ways to cope

The burden I’d been carrying was finally released
Giving me some comfort and peace
I started to focus on my own mental health
Instead of blaming myself

I started to see beyond the addiction
Which helped eased the internal affliction
I learned to see past the demands as I started to understand
Your actions weren’t out of choice and that you had lost your voice

I am no longer ashamed of the person you became
The alcohol might have stripped you of your dignity
But I still loved you unconditionally

I’m finally at peace with my grief
And whilst life will never be the same
If I had to Dad
I would go through it all again

All my love Tracey x

Remember I don’t write for financial reward or gain, I just want to help share my lived experience with others in the hope that it helps. And I just love to write, so if ya fancy getting the occasional email with the most up to date blogs from yours truly, please feel free to subscribe at the bottom of the main page.