The Time I Hit Rock Bottom

At the time I was seeking self-absolution
The drugs were a perfect solution
I was wrapped up in my own mind
The drugs helped me to unwind

At the time I really didn’t like myself
I felt persecuted by everyone else
Deep down I was desperate to feel loved
And craved a loving hug

I found it hard to explain
And when I did share my pain
I felt misunderstood
Which just reinforced I was no good

My words fell on deaf ears
Or they were edited and discredited
I was mocked and casted aside
There was nowhere for me to hide

All I had was the drugs
But soon they started to let me down too
All too soon the highs disappeared
And my anxiety reappeared

I was slowly losing control
I was heading into a black hole
But there was nowhere to hide
I was falling apart from the inside

I was physical and mentally weak
Turns out my psychosis was at its peek
I felt totally trapped
But then something SNAPPED

I found myself in a strange hospital ward
It all felt very untoward
Abandoned and alone
I just wanted to go home

I was still confused and scared
Convinced nobody cared
The staff reassured me that I was in the right place
That my recovery would take time and that it wasn’t a race
I felt completely defeated
My mind and body were depleted
I felt hollow inside
But then from the pit of my stomach a whisper cried

“The old Tracey has gone It’s time to move on”

I realised that this was my chance to start fresh
Time to finally sort out my mess
I came out of that mental institution
Realising that the drugs were a poor solution

For my own sanities sake
I had some tough decisions to make
I needed to start from fresh and go it alone
And take some chances in the unknown

Day by day I learned how to keep my cravings at bay
I took strangers advice on ways to avoid my old vice
The new paths that I ventured
Became exciting new adventures

Old friends became strangers
As I dodged past dangers
New strangers became friends
As I started to make amends

Peeling back the layers of built-up shame
Has helped me to start all over again
I look back now, and I find it hard to relate to the woman I became
That woman shrouded in shame

I’m glad I grabbed the chance of a fresh start
Because I have finally made peace with my heart
I know I will never be the same person
But she will never be forgotten

Because I will never forget the time
That I hit my rock bottom

Thank you for taking the time to read.

Remember I don’t write for financial reward or gain, I just want to help share my lived experience with others in the hope that it helps. And I just love to write, so if ya fancy getting the occasional email (NO SPAM) with the most up to date blogs from yours truly, please feel free to subscribe at the bottom of the main page.

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