What have I done to me sen?

Its a month today since I took a leap of faith and set this page up, it cost about £80 for year, I didn’t have a Scooby Doo what I was thinking, but hey 22 post in AND I have made a NEW start on the book ‘Blood is thicker than Alcohol’ NOW THAT was my overall objective, to build up my confidence to write. So for you small chosen few who I have allowed, trusted to ready my SHIT, thank you…

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I’ve now stopped counting the days I have gone without having a drink, my alcohol experiment started on 15th of June, so ‘you can work it out’ cos I cant be arsed…

Day 35, I hd a drink, I didn’t go mad per say, but “fuck me “the headache / hangover the following day was fucking horrendous. Now don’t get me wrong, did I regret going out? ‘NO’, did I regret drinking?  ‘FUCK ME YES’.

I’d decided last Friday I would have a day off. By ‘having a day off‘ what I actually meant was a break from writing etc.

I have just been re-reading my journal from day one, and my alcohol free journey, has actually been a positive one, yes there have been times where I doubted myself, but on the whole, I have:

• Felt alot happier within myself 
• Been more positve
• Been more productive
• Felt more content
• Have spent time on me, my morning runs, writing in my journal, writing on here
• Been less likely to over react to external situations
• Been alot more laid back, relaxed
• Been less hard on myself
• I’ve written loads and load’s
• Ive listened to myself, really listened to myself
• I’ve Indulged myself, by that I mean I have started doing more of what ‘I wanted and less of what others might have wanted or expected of me.’ I know this has come across to others as being selfish – BUT,  I have started to learn to let go of what others think, because quite frankly at 48 years old, ‘My’ self esteem is more in-fucking-portant.

So up to know there has been  loads more positives and alot less negatives, everything was tickety boo, then…. Friday, just gone,  I went out on a works do, with the intention of not drinking, and just have a few alcohol free drinks. But during the evening we moved on to a different pub and on way there I had already decided I was going to have a couple of pints, “that won’t hurt”

One pint in, I took my time tried a bit of ‘mindful drinking‘. All ok…  then the next drink, I started to feel a dull headache come on, ‘similar to the one like I had ALL fucking day the previous week’ and I was like, ‘right, I’m off after this’. 

Now again, don’t get me wrong, I had, had a GREAT night and good laugh, but the thought of feeling shit the next day, really put me off and I had alot to do. So I said my goodbyes, much to the amazement of me mates, ‘cos, I’m normally the one egging them on to stay out and drink more, Fuck me I was the first to leave!’

Anyway, I got home, feeling pretty proud and happy with myself, cracked open another can of lager, followed by a non alcoholic one, took a paracetamol (Just as a precaution) and went to bed early.

Well as it turns out, “I may as well have just drank alcohol the whole  fucking night” and that paracetamol did ‘FUCK ALL’  because even just after those three drinks, I felt like I did the previous week, ‘well not as bad’ but the dull headache was there AGAIN all fucking day.

I actually said to myself and texted a couple of friends say “What the fuck have I done to me sen?”, “I cant drink anymore!” “Ive ruined me sen ffs!”. Even all day Sunday, I felt shit, then I got to thinking, I wonder if ‘Im coming down wi summat?’ – Sunday afternoon I decided to have a “tap at the key boards” as my old man has started to call it.  I hopped on the laptop and started on me journal, not long in, after off loading, I started to feel better about me sen. #Havingawordwimesen actually helped. I reckon, had I not #Hadaword I would have defo still been all negative and feeling down for the rest of the day.

I realised it is Sooo easy to get into a negative mindset and dreaded ‘Cycle of fucking doom’ AND I hate being like that, especially after the last few positve weeks I’ve had. So what have I learned?

• I’m due to go to a family wedding this Sunday – And I ain’t drinking – ‘its just not worth it.’
• I woke up this morning and after doing me morning run, I felt like I was getting back to me old sen and back on track, so those negative bits don’t have to last long
• I’m loving the new me, I am happier, every though I still have bad days, I’m more rational and calmer than I have ever been.
• I feel alot more optimistic and trust that where ever this writing malarkey take’s me, at least its better than where I have been for the past few years.
• Work is less stressful, I turn up, do what I can and thats it – I aint got time for burning me sen out for no job! but also with this new attitude, there is also a renewed sense of productivity and I’m enjoying work more

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So there may be less of these post, as I am now on chapter 2, the book is going ace, but before I go, a word of advice to you ladies out there… and its just an observation.

If your going to used the communal toilets and need a crap, places some bog roll down first. By doing this, you reduce the dreaded “plopping” sound. And you don’t have to hide in the bog for hours after to make sure no one realises its YOU, we all CRAP tha knows